Why I don't post often anymore

I'm seriously thinking I need to make this blog private... Yes, I love being able to post what I'm thinking from my phone so if I don't want to get pen and paper and write it down in a journal or something. Yes, I like having blogger on my phone. It's great. I just don't think that it should all be public where anyone can read it.

I have noticed that I have a follower now, and it's very strange that I don't even know who the follower is, they're just kind of a random person who found my blog somehow and then decided to follow me. Or something like that. But I don't really know. All I know is that a lot of my posts on here are about OLD past boyfriends. Mainly one ex boyfriend in particular. But the thing is, I don't want to have crap like that in my blog anymore... I'm through with all of it and it's basically just the past now and it doesn't exist anymore. I don't feel like my past is that important to me anymore. I feel like all this blog is to me is like a computer journal where I'm just basically posting my thoughts to the Internet. But I don't want my thoughts published for people to see. That's very stupid of me to have left it public where people can see for so long.

Pass Time !

Okay so this happens to me all the time. All week, I've been looking forward to Zach coming down to see me and he is coming down later at about midnight or sometime around then (: and whenever Wessam gets out of his class at 10:00. Okay, so change that. It takes about 4 hours to get here from Florida so they should be getting here around 2 am. Rough estimate. But anyways, I'm soooooo excited that they're coming because it seems like forever since I've seen Zach and I just can't wait at all to see him. I just need to find some way to pass about 10 hours until he gets here. lol damn this is going to take forever I know. I'm just still trying to figure out how to pass the time where I can see him. Right now I'm watching movies. A few hours have passed, so watching movies is one thing that helps. Oh I'm also blogging, duh. But I think watching movies are gonna work better. :) I know once he gets here it's going to be so amazing that I'm gonna get to see him again!
But yeah, anyways I think I'm done writing here for now. haha

Count Down

So, I went online today and created a countdown timer until my birthday. I have 33 days... I am becoming more and more impatient. 33 days can seem like a hell of a long time, I know. I don't even think it will even be specail by the time my birthday gets here. And what if things don't go as I plan? I don't know. What if I can't hold out long enough? What if I go insane waiting? I just know once I can get my drivers license, things will get a lot better. Especially this summer. When I'll have more places to go...(maybe) but I don't know. I'm scared to even look forward to it because it might not even be everything I thought it would be.

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Watching Jenna Marbles.

Right now, I 'm just chillin watching Jenna Marbles haha. And it's cool because my brother's Xbox can watch YouTube on his TV and it's very entertaining :)

He's Always With Me. Like A Bad Habit.

Maybe if I could just find someone else, and get a new boyfriend, maybe I could forget about him and move on with my life. I don't know but I'm just feel like shit about literally everything right now. It still hurts me that he just gave me up like he did. I still have really bad depression that gets even worse sometimes when I think about him. I've accepted most of the fact that I probably meant nothing at all to him, and I've pretty much accepted that he will probably find someone else and he probably already has, I've accepted it. For the most part. I'm just still trying to figure out just what to do about it though. Find someone else? Someone that won't compare to how happy he made me always. Reach out for Hunter? I don't think he will ever want to talk to me again. Not that I blame him. If someone broke my heart, made me think there was something wrong with me, and just left without saying a word, I wouldn't want to talk to them again either....
I'm just starting to regret a lot right now. This is probably the worst thing I have ever went through in my life. This is the only situation that I have no idea what my next move will be. This is the only situation where I don't even really care what happens to me. It doesn't even really matter. There isn't really anything I can do about anything anyways.
It's like this... my heart has been broken before. A few times actually. But never like this. I always somehow knew that I would be okay. Somehow I knew that things would be better in the future. I had feelings that things would always make a comeback and karma would make me happy again.. It's not like that this time. This time I can't think on a positive note. I just don't understand why things are so different this time. Maybe I really loved Gavon. But I don't think that's how it is. I think my pride might be hurt for trying. I put a lot of effort into a relationship that he didn't even care about. I think that would hurt anyone. I just hope he wasn't the one that got away.
Something else that's been on my mind is the fact that there's nothing really in my life. There's no balance. It's just me living, sleeping, getting on computer. There's nothing to really look forward to. The only balance I can think of is in the future. Far ahead in the future. To when I'm living on my own. Maybe married. Maybe with children. I can imagine getting a job, buying a house, and maybe getting some sort of hobby. I can see my future. I just don't see a husband right now. Right now, I'm only 15, I'm not a psychic or anything, I can't predict everything that happens to me. I know that in about 10 years, I'm not going to be in the same place I'm in now. By then, I will have met a lot of other people, gone other places, possibly gone to college too. I'm going to have a different life and time is constant. Things are almost 100% certain to change, and that's what I've learned in my 15 years. I've already learned that and I haven't even been here that long. Things can change for the best or for the worst. So the only thing there is to do is hope for the best. Maybe I can actually get something out of life.
But I guess since it's too early to tell right now, I'll just try to pull through this depression in the meantime. Maybe soon enough, I won't feel so alone and won't feel the need to be depressed about and won't feel the need to think about the things that make me depressed. I know it will be hard, and there won't be any ease at all in trying to find peace. I'm not expecting there to be any.
I'm only hoping I won't make the same mistakes ever again.

Late Night

Well, hi there. Anyone who might be reading this, but I'm sure not. It's about... I'd say 4:30 or so in the morning, and I'm working on a cup of coffee because I can't really sleep right now. But the thing is.. I don't really want to sleep. I could care less. I actually like staying up for all night and all day the next day. I never really tired. There's just something about the feeling I have when I'm sleep deprived. I don't necessarily LIKE it, but it is an unusual feeling that makes sleep the next night so much better. SO, with that, I'm going to need to finish this cup of coffee, which by the way, tastes pretty good. :)
Maybe I went a little too deep on my last blog post. That long rant about my ex boyfriend drama really was ridiculous. I should be past it by now. I don't know what I was so scared of.. or what I was scared of the most. Losing him or losing me. The thing is, though, I didn't lose me. I'm perfectly fine over it. I'm still the same person. I'm not the same person I used to be, though.
I look back on a lot of things in my life, and one of the happiest points of my life was when I was being around Hunter. I don't know, but, I think he might really be the one I'm truly in love with. I know for sure though that I've messed up things pretty bad with him. I really hurt him. It would take a lot and I mean A LOT to get things back to how they were. I just can't believe I gave up SO MUCH for Gavon, when really he wasn't even worth it. Nothing was worth missing out on because of him. Not even Homecoming. That was ridiculous. But yeah.
You know how you start having second thoughts about staying up because you're getting tired? Oh yeah that's me ! I think I want to sleep but then again I want to stay up.... So I guess what I'll do is stay awake and get on a few websites or something and try to be entertained and just see what happens. :) But I'm getting off of here. Goodbyeeee<3

Just Another Blog Post.

Gavon broke up with me. It ended pretty quietly. There isn't really much to say about it now, because, well, it's over and done with, but, he really crushed me. He made me really happy, and he gave me such a feeling of security and life. I felt like I was a different girl. I felt like I had found someone that I could actually feel comfortable with. Someone that I was compatible with. Someone that I would easily be able to open up to and tell all my secrets to. I guess for me, that's hard to find. Someone who I actually believe cares. Which, for me, at that time, I thought it was him.
At the time I met him, I was feeling really alone in my life. I felt like I didn't really have anyone. I was really lonely. We talked. I can't even remember what about, but we had really nice conversations. I thought so anyways. He went with me to get my second tattoo, you know, as a hand to squeeze if it started to hurt. That's exactly what ended up happening, too. Next thing I knew, I was going to his house and staying all day, and the days that followed were the same.
He told me he wanted to be with me, and I should have listened to my first instinct and said no. I should have just let the whole thing go. I always knew, somehow, that the relationship would end one way or another. I knew that I was a weak person and a hopeless romantic. So I gave him a chance because part of me wanted to have the experience and that rush of having someone new. It was actually really great, while it lasted. But everything has an ending.
Later on, we started getting into fights. I got depression and started becoming more distant from everyone. Including Gavon. I didn't mean for things to ever seem like I had done something wrong, and I didn't mean for things to get as bad as they did, but I know that if he would have just given me a chance, I could have fixed things. Maybe I couldn't have fixed everything but I most certainly could have fixed the fighting and the depression. My depression had slightly subsided, enough to the point to where my mood was better and I wasn't feeling so distant. I guess that wasn't enough.
I know if he would have just gave it a chance, and just tried to work things out, that maybe things would be different. But he didn't. And I guess that's what hurts me the most about it. If he really cared about us, and if he really cared enough, he would have given it a chance. He gave up on me. He gave up on our relationship. Like it was nothing.. Like it meant absolutely nothing to him at all. I guess that's what happens when you fall in love. You can go on for the longest time, SAYING you're so truly happy with a person, but then, in the end of it all, someone decides to take the easy road. Someone decides that they want something different. When they realize that, they won't change their mind. They won't even make an attempt to make things right because, in their mind, that's the cause of all their problems. The main ones in the relationship that do this is the guys. Why? I'll never really understand it.
I can't say that my heart is broken.. because when your heart is broken, you actually care, right? But, in this case, I just don't care... at all. I don't really care about anything anymore. It doesn't matter all that much to me weather Gavon is here with me or not. I don't think it would change the emptiness that I'm feeling.
I guess I'm just really trying to focus on the future. My life is not over, and I still have time to find someone. One day, I think that I'll find deep, meaningful love one day. It won't be from Gavon, but it will be from someone who really loves me and it will be from someone who knows what is right and what is wrong in a relationship. I'm just hoping that this will all get better in time and maybe I won't think about it. I hope one day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore. Maybe one day I'll have found a man that will love me forever. But I guess that it doesn't even really matter... not right now anyways. But anyways. it's about 3 am, and I'm beginning to get really tired. I'm going to get some sleep and so I guess I'm finished writing this blog post.