the universe gave me wild magic mushrooms today 💖

When you're finally given the opportunity to trip on magic mushrooms after waiting all year !! 🥺😭☺️

Maybe at some point I'll be able to find a way to put this trip into words. I'm still unbelievably amazed by today.💜

dyed my hair sooo many times😮💝

July 28, 2021

when it fades to a orange color I have to dye it again but I don't care because dying it myself is therapeutic to me and I enjoy doing it. 😂😊 don't care if this picture is blurry and crappy and I look sad af. took this on my old ass Samsung phone soo that's why lol

July 21, 2021

oh yeah and this was when I dyed it again & it was more vibrant & I worked as a housekeeper for a while😂 it won't stay this color for long. 

Oct. 30, 2021

Meeeee & Zach 😍😍😍💕💝 this is what it looks like noww but babe got a hair cut after this pic. 

when you're blonde for 22 years & didn't get to express yourself as a teenager & you're just bored of it lol. 😂

going to dye my hair ! 😱😄

it isn't going to be permanent, but the dye is semi-permanent. that's great for me because I'm scared of the commitment & it will wash out over time hahaa. I already got it ordered & everything, so I'm just waiting on it to come! & I'm going to do it the same day it comes. virgin pink. my whole head of hair. & a shocking change for me. I can't wait dudeee I'm so excited about it.

so excited about it in fact that i photoshopped a similar color onto a pic of me to see how I would look and honestly, I love the look of it just in the photoshop. so i know I'm going to love it when I actually do it!! 😄😄 

here's the photo. I'll take a selfie of it the day I do it, obviously. should be in the next week that its delivered 😊😊 anyways I wanted to make this post a short one with the photo. I'll probably write more when I get a chance 

The Struggle of Walking

So this post is about that negative thing that I mentioned in the other blog that I wanted to write about and get off my chest. It isn't too bad though. I'm mainly going to be writing about these past few months that I've been struggling with not having a car.
Basically a minor problem happened with my car & it just took me way too long to get it fixed. It's so stupid that a minor problem that took only 100$ to fix has caused me so much hell. The main problem is because I don't have a fucking job. I don't have a job because I don't have a reliable vehicle, I can't pass a drug test, there's not many jobs in this small piss poor town, and it's just fucking difficult to deal with. If I could get a job I would do it in a heartbeat. I want to work. I wish I had a reliable vehicle so I could work. This time has just been really rough & I feel like I'm stuck..
So yeah it's kind of pathetic being a 22 year old with no job & still living with my mom but I can't really do anything about that except suffer through it I guess. At least I have accepted that I'm pathetic. But that's not what this post is about.

For the past 6+ months I have been having to walk MILES to town to get food & get cigarettes or whatever. My mom would get a ride from this "friend" of hers to town to get stuff but the lady would only give rides if she was paying gay money (even though the drive is only a mile up the road she would ask for a full tank.) The lady would make my mom feel rushed at the store so my mom couldn't always get everything. We were out of garbage bags for what felt like a long time & were using those small plastic bags you get groceries in as trash bags just because she kept forgetting them in the store or could only go in & buy a few things at a time because she was rushed. Even though her "friend" knew we were struggling she still took advantage of my mother and it pisses me off but fine, whatever that isn't the point of the post either. 

For so long I took my car for granted and when you have something like that taken from you it sucks so fucking bad. When you ask a friend for a ride to the store it makes you feel like a bum and when I would walk to town, people would stop in the road & ask if we needed a ride but that made me feel even more like a fucking bum. I never accepted a ride from someone besides one time. Me & Zach had started walking before the rain came, and then halfway to town it starts to pour down rain on us. This man stopped & that's one time I was actually happy someone had asked. I was so thankful for him. He even gave us a ride back home, & even he was surprised that we had walked so far.
I was also very thankful for 2 friends specifically. One of Zach's friends actually let us borrow his truck for a few months, I still have no idea how to thank him for that. He really is a great person. Not many people would ever lend you their vehicle for as long as he did. My other best friend would give me rides to get weed, she would take me to the store, & would smoke with me. She really is a great person too. & an even better friend. I appreciate them so freaking much and they didn't have to help, but they did.
No matter how embarrassing I felt and how crappy I felt about other people seeing me struggle like that, nothing feels better than having a friend that would lend a helping hand when they can. It really makes you feel like you're useless when you can't even drive yourself somewhere to eat. 

But I also learned a lot about myself and that's that my body is able. If I'm starving I can walk to feed myself. & that's what I needed to do when Zach's friend needed his truck back. I can't blame him either, because we had already kept his truck for a few months (way longer) when it was only supposed to be a few weeks. We were happy to start walking again because I definitely didn't want to feel like we were keeping someone's vehicle from them.

Those long walks definitely did teach me about struggle & appreciating what you have. I'm glad my body is able. & if my car breaks down again, I know I will be okay because I can walk.
Even though it is kind of irritating when you're walking passed a guy flexing on his Mercedes in town, & he's laughing at your boyfriend saying "ha you walkin bruh?" Even if he didn't mean it that way, it rubbed me the wrong way & pissed me off a little. You don't laugh at someone when you see them walking on the road obviously struggling with something. Or when a guy drives up to a gas station & sees you walking yet asks you for gas money. Like did this guy really just have the nerve to ask us for gas money? For his car.... that he's driving.... and seeing that we don't even have a vehicle. Nope sorry asshole, if I were you I would be happy to even have a car. Why don't you go fucking ask the other guy who was flexing on his Mercedes & laughing at us if he will give you some gas money.
Yes all of this really happened on some of our walks to town. It may have made me mad at the time, but I'm so happy that I got to go on adventures with my man and we got to exercise, even if it was the same roads every time. And like I said, I learned a lot on those long walks. Those long walks were good for self reflecting & thinking. So this post was negative but it has a happy ending because I'm moved on now & I'm fine. I got my car fixed and I don't have to walk anymore. It really is one of the best feelings ever.

Now if I can just manage to not let my car Break down😂

A visit to my old school & Blog

Wow I haven't been to this blog in a pretty long time. I should start coming back every now and then to write about some stuff that's been going on in life. I'm going to try to change that haha. I'm sure no one really cares, or actually reads this crap, but that's okay because it's like a journal for me. Anyways about the picture... 

A few weeks ago I got the chance to visit my old middle school I went to from 5th-8th grade. It sure did trigger lots of memories. It was a school I felt like I hated when I was attending, but a school I grew to miss like hell after experiencing what a horrible school really was. My dad is a 7th grade math teacher, and he needed to go do something on his computer while we were passing through, so I got to visit for a little while. 😊 And yes he was my 7th grade math teacher too. 

I got to walk the empty halls, take some selfies in the bathroom just like old times, when my dad would be working after school was over & I had to stay too. I'm pretty sure I spent more time in that empty school than I did at home or friends houses haha. That's kind of pathetic but it is what it is. I got to go outside and swing on a new swingset that was added to the school yard after I left. When I went to school at West Blocton Middle, the school yard had nothing except for a caged up baseball area where we would play at PE. I'm kind of jealous that we didn't have swings or a jungle gym while I was attending haha.

It was a good day even though I only stayed for a little while. Visiting that school again really made me realize that time goes by fast as hell and it made me feel old. I know I'm 22 and I'm too young to be feeling old, but I can't help but think that time is speeding up, like all this time is just passing by too fast. It was almost like a slap in the face of you're getting older incredibly fast & before you know it, you will be an old woman unable to do anything about your rotting body and mind. But I know that it's inevitable; it happens to everyone, & there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. We all get to live life as youngsters for a while but that blissful time is short and you better enjoy it before it's too late.

Anyway there wasn't much of a point to this post other than I wanted to write about something new and visit this blog again. I have another post in mind that I need to write about but that one might be a little more negative. I need to find the right words for it before I write about it here though haha. 

Astral Projecting

So how do I begin to explain this? How about I start from when I was very young and dreamed just as vividly and lucidly as I still do today. I'm a child no younger than 4 years old and I have a dream that I'm getting out of bed, "walking" to the bathroom next to my bedroom. I feel the energy the entire time I'm walking, and I'm groggy, actually feeling the sluggish and drowsy footsteps. I walk to the toilet and sit down only to awake in a pool of urine in my bed. Apparently lots of kids have had dreams like this before where they have wet the bed in a dream before, but I believe this is only a little taste of what astral projection can be.
If you go to Google or YouTube you can see lots of people's stories about AP and what they experienced. Wikipedia calls astral projection an OBE (out of body experience) and describes it as having the ability to let your soul leave your physical body while you're sleeping. While you're in a half awake and half asleep state you can apparently let your soul leave your body on command (or it can sometimes even happen accidentally.) I've done it accidentally before because I've never actually tried to astral project before.... until last night.
Let me just say that I am in no way experienced with this, I am only a beginner. I also want to add that AP can be tricky to get right the first time because you have to relax your body completely while also moving your arms and legs with your mind only and that's how you navigate through AP realms. These realms apparently look exactly like places you see everyday or look exactly like your house or bedroom. I believe these realms are connected to the physical world but we can only see these places in the dreamlike state. So I watched lots of videos and did lots of reading before I attempted this on my own and once I found out exactly what to do I decided I would try before I fell asleep.
The astral projectors on YouTube said they would relax while only moving with their mind and they would feel the waves of relaxation starting the "hypnosis" and I did. I relaxed every muscle while concentrating on moving my arms with only my mind which I have noticed I had the ability to do for a while now. I did the rope technique which helps you exercise your ability to move around while in astral projection. Koi on YouTube said he focuses his mind on one spot of the body at a time and imagine your moving it (without actually moving it) and I knew what he was talking about immediately because I've done it before. I did this for awhile to get used to the feeling. In his video he also said that focusing your mind on the center of your forehead, where your third eye would be, could also help with focusing so I did that too. I started feeling the waves and the vibrations like he said I would. Koi said when he first begins to project, he feels the vibrations then sees nothing but the white light (where you cross into another realm) until he completely crosses over then he can see all around his bedroom where he's sleeping then project to other places.
My first time experience wasn't much because I guess I was just focusing too much on what I was doing but when my experience was starting to turn out like a lot of other people's and I saw nothing but the white light Koi was talking about, I got scared and I immediately woke up. I saw the white light and I felt the vibrations and my soul left my physical body, but I became a little too aware of what I had just done and I immediately got scared and woke myself up on command. I woke up to my heart racing but I knew why.. I really did not want to have this experience while I was frightened so I never allowed myself to completely cross over into the other realm... wherever it would've taken me. I fell asleep like I normally would.
Mind you, this was only my first time trying AP on command so I knew what I was doing when I was doing it, but once I became aware of what was actually happening... I don't know I just got too scared. I'm going to try again tonight but I'm going to try not to be afraid of it like I was last night.. I probably sound like a crazy person but I've got to get to the bottom of this and what all these dreams are meaning...
I will write about my second time trying tomorrow because I'm going to try again and see what happens. I recommend reading lots of stories from so many people that experienced similar things while astral projecting and decide for yourself, are all of these people just dreaming or can they really go to the next level with their mind? I may try it if I take a nap later.. I don't know but I can't be afraid like I was last time.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

I have been thinking non-stop about dropping acid again because it feels like it's been such a long time and I just want to have that euphoria again... It really is something special so keeping your tolerance down & waiting awhile to drop again makes it even better the next time you do it. I just can't stop thinking about everything I felt those two times I tried it and how it opened my mind. I wish it weren't so hard of a drug to come by but it's better to be taken rarely anyways.
Dropping acid feels like time ceases to have meaning and you are lost in your own mind. Hallucinations are awesome.. I wish I could put into words how truly amazing it actually is but describing what LSD does to you is really hard to explain... I just wish I could feel that way again.. after all this time. I am ready to embrace acid for what it really is...