For the past 2 years of high school, all I've wanted is to go back to West Blocton & be back in public school because I hate private school so badly. I especially hate the private school I'm going to now & all my high school years have been spent in private schools & it's absolutely miserable. This last semester of my senior year, I was very much hoping of spending it at West Blocton. Well... that idea has been fucked to shit. I've lost all hope of going back because I have no ride, so no way to get there. I wish I could be like my brother & just deal with riding with my dad but since he's graduating earlier than me, I would be riding with him alone & I will NEVER do that.
I'm depressed because all my high school years have been wasted & my most important senior year especially. Sometimes, I just think about failing on purpose just so I can have another senior year. But of course, I know I can't even fucking do that either.
I'm so fucking depressed that I know that Christmas break is coming to an end & there's only a few more short days until I start back my second semester. & it's just worse that I know I'm going to be forced spending it in a school I hate.
I've been wishing this whole time that something bad would just happen to me. Maybe a car hit me & I have to be in the hospital or something, at this point I don't even care what happens to me, I just don't want to go back to that school. I would rather be in the hospital than that school. I'd rather be dead.
All my hope & dreams are lost & I know there's not a snowball's chance in hell for me to go where I want with my life. I can't even choose what college I want to go to. There's no future with me, or where I want to go.
So I'm just fucking stranded... in a school that hasn't educated me in two years, and is JUST now educating me. Yeah guess what? 10th & 11th grade, I have been SO uneducated that I took a practice ACT test and made a fucking 12. There's no fucking telling how bad I am going to do when I take the REAL ACT! Before, I would get frustrated over that fact, but tonight, I'm passed all of it. I'm passed all the frustration because I know that's going to get me nowhere. I'm just hopeless & depressed now. There's no future for me. I really just want to die. I will never be happy... & because I can't go to the right school & have the right education & restrictions, I will never follow my New Years resolution to quit smoking weed or quit drugs because now I know that there's no hope left. & that's all I have.
Because, you see, I had this planned out before... It could've been so simple. Going to school at West Blocton, but waking up earlier in the morning, going to school there with a packed schedule, & staying after school with Morgan until his baseball practice was over. I wouldn't even have had time to be smoking weed...but since I have all of the free time now, that's all I'm going to want to do. I can see it now.
A miserable hell of a future lies ahead of me & I know it. That's why I'm so depressed.
