Maybe if I could just find someone else, and get a new boyfriend, maybe I could forget about him and move on with my life. I don't know but I'm just feel like shit about literally everything right now. It still hurts me that he just gave me up like he did. I still have really bad depression that gets even worse sometimes when I think about him. I've accepted most of the fact that I probably meant nothing at all to him, and I've pretty much accepted that he will probably find someone else and he probably already has, I've accepted it. For the most part. I'm just still trying to figure out just what to do about it though. Find someone else? Someone that won't compare to how happy he made me always. Reach out for Hunter? I don't think he will ever want to talk to me again. Not that I blame him. If someone broke my heart, made me think there was something wrong with me, and just left without saying a word, I wouldn't want to talk to them again either....
I'm just starting to regret a lot right now. This is probably the worst thing I have ever went through in my life. This is the only situation that I have no idea what my next move will be. This is the only situation where I don't even really care what happens to me. It doesn't even really matter. There isn't really anything I can do about anything anyways.
It's like this... my heart has been broken before. A few times actually. But never like this. I always somehow knew that I would be okay. Somehow I knew that things would be better in the future. I had feelings that things would always make a comeback and karma would make me happy again.. It's not like that this time. This time I can't think on a positive note. I just don't understand why things are so different this time. Maybe I really loved Gavon. But I don't think that's how it is. I think my pride might be hurt for trying. I put a lot of effort into a relationship that he didn't even care about. I think that would hurt anyone. I just hope he wasn't the one that got away.
Something else that's been on my mind is the fact that there's nothing really in my life. There's no balance. It's just me living, sleeping, getting on computer. There's nothing to really look forward to. The only balance I can think of is in the future. Far ahead in the future. To when I'm living on my own. Maybe married. Maybe with children. I can imagine getting a job, buying a house, and maybe getting some sort of hobby. I can see my future. I just don't see a husband right now. Right now, I'm only 15, I'm not a psychic or anything, I can't predict everything that happens to me. I know that in about 10 years, I'm not going to be in the same place I'm in now. By then, I will have met a lot of other people, gone other places, possibly gone to college too. I'm going to have a different life and time is constant. Things are almost 100% certain to change, and that's what I've learned in my 15 years. I've already learned that and I haven't even been here that long. Things can change for the best or for the worst. So the only thing there is to do is hope for the best. Maybe I can actually get something out of life.
But I guess since it's too early to tell right now, I'll just try to pull through this depression in the meantime. Maybe soon enough, I won't feel so alone and won't feel the need to be depressed about and won't feel the need to think about the things that make me depressed. I know it will be hard, and there won't be any ease at all in trying to find peace. I'm not expecting there to be any.
I'm only hoping I won't make the same mistakes ever again.
