the magic of may 2023

 

i think about this so much it's unbelievable. the cow farmers probably didn't care that I was out there picking the shrooms. One day soon I'll add more

the universe gave me wild magic mushrooms today 💖

When you're finally given the opportunity to trip on magic mushrooms after waiting all year !! 🥺😭☺️

Maybe at some point I'll be able to find a way to put this trip into words. I'm still unbelievably amazed by today.💜

dyed my hair sooo many times😮💝

July 28, 2021

when it fades to a orange color I have to dye it again but I don't care because dying it myself is therapeutic to me and I enjoy doing it. 😂😊 don't care if this picture is blurry and crappy and I look sad af. took this on my old ass Samsung phone soo that's why lol

July 21, 2021

oh yeah and this was when I dyed it again & it was more vibrant & I worked as a housekeeper for a while😂 it won't stay this color for long. 

Oct. 30, 2021

Meeeee & Zach 😍😍😍💕💝 this is what it looks like noww but babe got a hair cut after this pic. 

when you're blonde for 22 years & didn't get to express yourself as a teenager & you're just bored of it lol. 😂

going to dye my hair ! 😱😄

it isn't going to be permanent, but the dye is semi-permanent. that's great for me because I'm scared of the commitment & it will wash out over time hahaa. I already got it ordered & everything, so I'm just waiting on it to come! & I'm going to do it the same day it comes. virgin pink. my whole head of hair. & a shocking change for me. I can't wait dudeee I'm so excited about it.

so excited about it in fact that i photoshopped a similar color onto a pic of me to see how I would look and honestly, I love the look of it just in the photoshop. so i know I'm going to love it when I actually do it!! 😄😄 

here's the photo. I'll take a selfie of it the day I do it, obviously. should be in the next week that its delivered 😊😊 anyways I wanted to make this post a short one with the photo. I'll probably write more when I get a chance 

The Struggle of Walking

So this post is about that negative thing that I mentioned in the other blog that I wanted to write about and get off my chest. It isn't too bad though. I'm mainly going to be writing about these past few months that I've been struggling with not having a car.
Basically a minor problem happened with my car & it just took me way too long to get it fixed. It's so stupid that a minor problem that took only 100$ to fix has caused me so much hell. The main problem is because I don't have a fucking job. I don't have a job because I don't have a reliable vehicle, I can't pass a drug test, there's not many jobs in this small piss poor town, and it's just fucking difficult to deal with. If I could get a job I would do it in a heartbeat. I want to work. I wish I had a reliable vehicle so I could work. This time has just been really rough & I feel like I'm stuck..
So yeah it's kind of pathetic being a 22 year old with no job & still living with my mom but I can't really do anything about that except suffer through it I guess. At least I have accepted that I'm pathetic. But that's not what this post is about.

For the past 6+ months I have been having to walk MILES to town to get food & get cigarettes or whatever. My mom would get a ride from this "friend" of hers to town to get stuff but the lady would only give rides if she was paying gay money (even though the drive is only a mile up the road she would ask for a full tank.) The lady would make my mom feel rushed at the store so my mom couldn't always get everything. We were out of garbage bags for what felt like a long time & were using those small plastic bags you get groceries in as trash bags just because she kept forgetting them in the store or could only go in & buy a few things at a time because she was rushed. Even though her "friend" knew we were struggling she still took advantage of my mother and it pisses me off but fine, whatever that isn't the point of the post either. 

For so long I took my car for granted and when you have something like that taken from you it sucks so fucking bad. When you ask a friend for a ride to the store it makes you feel like a bum and when I would walk to town, people would stop in the road & ask if we needed a ride but that made me feel even more like a fucking bum. I never accepted a ride from someone besides one time. Me & Zach had started walking before the rain came, and then halfway to town it starts to pour down rain on us. This man stopped & that's one time I was actually happy someone had asked. I was so thankful for him. He even gave us a ride back home, & even he was surprised that we had walked so far.
I was also very thankful for 2 friends specifically. One of Zach's friends actually let us borrow his truck for a few months, I still have no idea how to thank him for that. He really is a great person. Not many people would ever lend you their vehicle for as long as he did. My other best friend would give me rides to get weed, she would take me to the store, & would smoke with me. She really is a great person too. & an even better friend. I appreciate them so freaking much and they didn't have to help, but they did.
No matter how embarrassing I felt and how crappy I felt about other people seeing me struggle like that, nothing feels better than having a friend that would lend a helping hand when they can. It really makes you feel like you're useless when you can't even drive yourself somewhere to eat. 

But I also learned a lot about myself and that's that my body is able. If I'm starving I can walk to feed myself. & that's what I needed to do when Zach's friend needed his truck back. I can't blame him either, because we had already kept his truck for a few months (way longer) when it was only supposed to be a few weeks. We were happy to start walking again because I definitely didn't want to feel like we were keeping someone's vehicle from them.

Those long walks definitely did teach me about struggle & appreciating what you have. I'm glad my body is able. & if my car breaks down again, I know I will be okay because I can walk.
Even though it is kind of irritating when you're walking passed a guy flexing on his Mercedes in town, & he's laughing at your boyfriend saying "ha you walkin bruh?" Even if he didn't mean it that way, it rubbed me the wrong way & pissed me off a little. You don't laugh at someone when you see them walking on the road obviously struggling with something. Or when a guy drives up to a gas station & sees you walking yet asks you for gas money. Like did this guy really just have the nerve to ask us for gas money? For his car.... that he's driving.... and seeing that we don't even have a vehicle. Nope sorry asshole, if I were you I would be happy to even have a car. Why don't you go fucking ask the other guy who was flexing on his Mercedes & laughing at us if he will give you some gas money.
Yes all of this really happened on some of our walks to town. It may have made me mad at the time, but I'm so happy that I got to go on adventures with my man and we got to exercise, even if it was the same roads every time. And like I said, I learned a lot on those long walks. Those long walks were good for self reflecting & thinking. So this post was negative but it has a happy ending because I'm moved on now & I'm fine. I got my car fixed and I don't have to walk anymore. It really is one of the best feelings ever.

Now if I can just manage to not let my car Break down😂

A visit to my old school & Blog

Wow I haven't been to this blog in a pretty long time. I should start coming back every now and then to write about some stuff that's been going on in life. I'm going to try to change that haha. I'm sure no one really cares, or actually reads this crap, but that's okay because it's like a journal for me. Anyways about the picture... 

A few weeks ago I got the chance to visit my old middle school I went to from 5th-8th grade. It sure did trigger lots of memories. It was a school I felt like I hated when I was attending, but a school I grew to miss like hell after experiencing what a horrible school really was. My dad is a 7th grade math teacher, and he needed to go do something on his computer while we were passing through, so I got to visit for a little while. 😊 And yes he was my 7th grade math teacher too. 

I got to walk the empty halls, take some selfies in the bathroom just like old times, when my dad would be working after school was over & I had to stay too. I'm pretty sure I spent more time in that empty school than I did at home or friends houses haha. That's kind of pathetic but it is what it is. I got to go outside and swing on a new swingset that was added to the school yard after I left. When I went to school at West Blocton Middle, the school yard had nothing except for a caged up baseball area where we would play at PE. I'm kind of jealous that we didn't have swings or a jungle gym while I was attending haha.

It was a good day even though I only stayed for a little while. Visiting that school again really made me realize that time goes by fast as hell and it made me feel old. I know I'm 22 and I'm too young to be feeling old, but I can't help but think that time is speeding up, like all this time is just passing by too fast. It was almost like a slap in the face of you're getting older incredibly fast & before you know it, you will be an old woman unable to do anything about your rotting body and mind. But I know that it's inevitable; it happens to everyone, & there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. We all get to live life as youngsters for a while but that blissful time is short and you better enjoy it before it's too late.

Anyway there wasn't much of a point to this post other than I wanted to write about something new and visit this blog again. I have another post in mind that I need to write about but that one might be a little more negative. I need to find the right words for it before I write about it here though haha. 

Astral Projecting

So how do I begin to explain this? How about I start from when I was very young and dreamed just as vividly and lucidly as I still do today. I'm a child no younger than 4 years old and I have a dream that I'm getting out of bed, "walking" to the bathroom next to my bedroom. I feel the energy the entire time I'm walking, and I'm groggy, actually feeling the sluggish and drowsy footsteps. I walk to the toilet and sit down only to awake in a pool of urine in my bed. Apparently lots of kids have had dreams like this before where they have wet the bed in a dream before, but I believe this is only a little taste of what astral projection can be.
If you go to Google or YouTube you can see lots of people's stories about AP and what they experienced. Wikipedia calls astral projection an OBE (out of body experience) and describes it as having the ability to let your soul leave your physical body while you're sleeping. While you're in a half awake and half asleep state you can apparently let your soul leave your body on command (or it can sometimes even happen accidentally.) I've done it accidentally before because I've never actually tried to astral project before.... until last night.
Let me just say that I am in no way experienced with this, I am only a beginner. I also want to add that AP can be tricky to get right the first time because you have to relax your body completely while also moving your arms and legs with your mind only and that's how you navigate through AP realms. These realms apparently look exactly like places you see everyday or look exactly like your house or bedroom. I believe these realms are connected to the physical world but we can only see these places in the dreamlike state. So I watched lots of videos and did lots of reading before I attempted this on my own and once I found out exactly what to do I decided I would try before I fell asleep.
The astral projectors on YouTube said they would relax while only moving with their mind and they would feel the waves of relaxation starting the "hypnosis" and I did. I relaxed every muscle while concentrating on moving my arms with only my mind which I have noticed I had the ability to do for a while now. I did the rope technique which helps you exercise your ability to move around while in astral projection. Koi on YouTube said he focuses his mind on one spot of the body at a time and imagine your moving it (without actually moving it) and I knew what he was talking about immediately because I've done it before. I did this for awhile to get used to the feeling. In his video he also said that focusing your mind on the center of your forehead, where your third eye would be, could also help with focusing so I did that too. I started feeling the waves and the vibrations like he said I would. Koi said when he first begins to project, he feels the vibrations then sees nothing but the white light (where you cross into another realm) until he completely crosses over then he can see all around his bedroom where he's sleeping then project to other places.
My first time experience wasn't much because I guess I was just focusing too much on what I was doing but when my experience was starting to turn out like a lot of other people's and I saw nothing but the white light Koi was talking about, I got scared and I immediately woke up. I saw the white light and I felt the vibrations and my soul left my physical body, but I became a little too aware of what I had just done and I immediately got scared and woke myself up on command. I woke up to my heart racing but I knew why.. I really did not want to have this experience while I was frightened so I never allowed myself to completely cross over into the other realm... wherever it would've taken me. I fell asleep like I normally would.
Mind you, this was only my first time trying AP on command so I knew what I was doing when I was doing it, but once I became aware of what was actually happening... I don't know I just got too scared. I'm going to try again tonight but I'm going to try not to be afraid of it like I was last night.. I probably sound like a crazy person but I've got to get to the bottom of this and what all these dreams are meaning...
I will write about my second time trying tomorrow because I'm going to try again and see what happens. I recommend reading lots of stories from so many people that experienced similar things while astral projecting and decide for yourself, are all of these people just dreaming or can they really go to the next level with their mind? I may try it if I take a nap later.. I don't know but I can't be afraid like I was last time.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

I have been thinking non-stop about dropping acid again because it feels like it's been such a long time and I just want to have that euphoria again... It really is something special so keeping your tolerance down & waiting awhile to drop again makes it even better the next time you do it. I just can't stop thinking about everything I felt those two times I tried it and how it opened my mind. I wish it weren't so hard of a drug to come by but it's better to be taken rarely anyways.
Dropping acid feels like time ceases to have meaning and you are lost in your own mind. Hallucinations are awesome.. I wish I could put into words how truly amazing it actually is but describing what LSD does to you is really hard to explain... I just wish I could feel that way again.. after all this time. I am ready to embrace acid for what it really is...

Out of the blue

Last night I went to bed after eating like 3 pot brownies so needless to say, I was stoned out of my mind. Let me start off by saying I am a very strong dreamer okay? I dream almost all the time, basically every night and I remember them all. I can remember dreams I had when I was little and I remember dreams I had years ago.. it's almost like I get to live this second life in my dreams. A lot of the places that I go in my dreams look like similar places that I go in real life or alternate versions of them... For example I can be in a house that looks just like my grandparents house in my dream except the paint on the wall will be a different color, the bed in a different place, a chair in a different spot.. little shit. I can recognize little stuff and small details in my dreams and it can be cool yet creepy..
Okay so flashback to last night.. I'm having this dream that I'm in this strange house, I don't know maybe it's a trap house but I'm looking out of a window and there's a really tall guy standing outside (I'm on the inside looking out...) and he's just really got this negative vibe about him. He is standing outside waving a gun around and he's mad about something, I don't know what and I don't care, so I'm trying to lock this door that is beside the window. I start to struggle with the lock for some reason because in my dreams I guess I just can't get ahold of myself completely. This has happened to me in dreams before. So I lose a bit of time struggling with the lock on this old door and by that time the angry man has made it to the door and he is pushing but I am holding him back by pushing the door... I don't know what to do so I just start yelling for Zach. (Note, Zach hasn't shown up in this dream yet.. He comes as a knight in shining armour in the end.)
I eventually get the door shut and locked, because somehow I am able to overpower this big man by pushing on the door but dream logic, right? I was calling for Zach but he still hadn't showed up and at this point in the dream I'm freaking out because I think maybe the mad guy had Zach or something... I was glad I had got the old door locked but it didn't help because the windows turned out to just be empty holes in the wall... A window without a window pane. I hadn't deciphered if the window was like that before when I was looking out of it... or if the window pane had just disappeared. It didn't matter anyways, because the angry guy with the extremely negative energy had got inside through the window hole and was pointing a gun at me. I remember yelling, "Zach, get a gun!" but then panicking because I thought well we don't have a gun.
By then the angry man was grabbing me by my neck and just sort of holding me there, and I never could figure out why he was so mad. He had a really scary and almost evil face and he had a really long beard. I was just screaming in the dream until Zach, out of nowhere, comes in the room and he's got a gun, then shoots the guy in the head point blank... I remember having his blood all over me because he was standing so close to me and holding me there with nothing between us but his arm. It's like in the dream, everything was in slow motion yet happened so fast. Dreaming it was strange because when the bullet hit him in the head, I watched it happen like right in front of me and there was blood splatter... I looked down at my hands and there was blood all over them, and all of a sudden... I wake up.
This also happens a lot in my dreams; waking up in the middle of the night, falling asleep again, then dreaming again. Most of the time I will go back to sleep and dream something new but only rarely will I go back and continue dreaming the same dream I awoke from before. After that one terrifying dream, the rest of the night seemed to mellow out a little bit. I dreamed of driving a big RV with Zach and it was amazing because we were driving through these beautiful streets and places. Tall trees on both sides of the road, tall hills that we climbed then drove down. It really was like seeing some place new even though it came from my own mind... Then we stopped some quiet and secluded place surrounded by beautiful pine trees and a small pond or lake was off to the side... I'm just recalling all these details and trying to put them together for a blog post cause apparently, it can help you to write about your dreams to remember them better and by clarifying that yes, in fact that was a dream and I am not dreaming right now kind of way. Reality checks can also help you control a dream better because by being sure of the fact that you're awake, can help you recognize when you are in a dream.
Anyways, that's how the rest of the night went... I was driving an RV and exploring abandoned houses with Zach; for some reason these are regular dreaming patterns for me because so many of my dreams happen on the road or I dream about being in a very big, almost house-like RVs. Seriously, I am not joking when I say the RV of my dreams is big enough for 50 people and I don't even know how that's physically possible lol. I just remember seeing lots of bunk beds and closets in rooms and a long hallway that turned into the driver's seat. My dreams don't make a whole lot of sense but it's the normal for me to go to bed and get to drive everywhere in places that my subconscious mind creates. I drive my car a lot too but not as much as an RV except a few times I dreamed of driving the RV, (including last night's) I almost lose control of it.
Last night I let my foot off of the brake in the RV and it started rolling forward and I couldn't get my leg to press back on the brakes again but I can never get my body to do things normally in my dreams. I started to panic again but then Zach came to my rescue again for the second dream in the same night! 💜 He pulled up this emergency brake in the RV that I didn't see and we came to a stop. It's funny how I can almost feel the movement of the vehicle in my dreams, whether it's my car or an RV.. I can feel like I'm actually driving and actually stopping the car. When I let my foot off the brakes and the RV started rolling forward it actually felt like my body was rolling and when Zach pulled the e-brake I really felt like I came to a stop. (Note: I have done that before in dreams; let my foot slip off the brake & roll forward or feel like the brakes in the car have gone out and can't slow the car down, but NEVER has someone ever intervened and taken control of it like that... last night was different.)
I am really fascinated by the fact that my mind creates these dreams while I'm sleeping and it's like a little version of a universe, just for me. All of the scenery in my dreams that's just like the scenery I see everyday, yet different or alternate versions of it and they're visions that are only for me. Dreams are quite fascinating to me. I wish I hadn't taken any Dramamine because it suppresses my dreams but I was just having too hard of a time sleeping. I'm going to try to get some sleep though... I feel like there was more to that dream that I'm not remembering right away but I will post it when I have a clearer head. Goodnight xoxo 💜💝💟

Amazing weed! 💜

The perfect weed for me would be a nugg that weighs 3 grams and tastes minty & earthy. I would smoke it out of a water bong and get really stoned because weed tastes so much better from a bong. Smoking feels like being relaxed yet focused, but if you smoke too much (or do like I did and keep smoking after I'm already high) then you might feel like a potato just sitting on the couch or laying in bed only getting up to eat something lolol. Getting high is actually really fun and it doesn't prevent you from being a functioning human being or make you act stupid because you are using your brain a little more when you smoke weed.
If weed was either legal or cheaper I would smoke so much because I don't care I just like getting high plus I keep smoking after I'm already high and get "fucked up." It's in quotation marks because being fucked up on weed really isn't that bad like for example, getting fucked up on alcohol will make you act differently and sometimes make people belligerent.. I guarantee you that you will get waayyyy more fucked up and rowdy drinking alcohol than smoking weed. Shit, when you're stoned you're most likely going to be a little shy or just have a deep conversation with one of your friends. When you're high you don't want to cause a big scene or even draw a lot of attention to yourself.
I think I'm going to end this blog post here because I really just wanted to express my love to weed. I will smoke it until the day I die, I just love the natural high.

Song of the Open Road

I know I have mentioned this poem before in my blog, but I didn't go into a lot of detail about my favorite parts and verses of it. I personally have spent lots of time on the road myself, whether it be me having a fun road trip or having to drive my mom somewhere I don't want to go, I still always find myself wandering the roads. In Song of the Open Road, Whitman describes the road as a happy place because everyone on the road is adventuring and experiencing the earth instead of being hidden away indoors. I notice this also.. though I don't know if I believe everyone is happy like they were during Whitman's time. This is one of my favorite verses...
"Oh highway I travel! Oh public road! Do you say to me, Do not leave me?
Do you say, Venture not? If you leave me, you are lost?
Do you say, I am already prepared-- I am well-beaten and undenied-- adhere to me?"
Here, Whitman is saying that the road is a concept that you find out for yourself; that the road doesn't have to beg for your attention but it already has your full attention. At least that's how I interpret it and we all read poetry the way we want to read it.. we get what we want out of them. I can relate with Whitman so well in Song of the Open Road because he finds happiness on the road, exploring.. venturing out on a quest. He considers indoors a place of solitude and loneliness where he is stuck with his dark thoughts whereas finds comfort in traveling the road. In this next verse that is explained this is what he says..
"Oh public road! I say back, I am not afraid to leave you-- yet I love you!
You express me better than I can express myself ;
You shall be more to me than my poem."
and that verse just spoke to me. I cannot relay Whitman's message, because I am getting what I want out of it so I'm not going to try to explain the meaning behind this.. but I can say that I often use driving as a way to forget my problems and think about life so this is the way it spoke to me. Traveling is the best stress reliever and you can learn a lot about yourself along the journey. Okay, onto the next verse..
"From this hour, freedom!
From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will,
divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
*Divesting meaning (to rid or free from.)
To me, it sounds like Whitman has just freed himself from something very bad that was holding him back and now he is liberated. He needed the road trip to do some soul searching for himself by meeting new people and hearing their stories. The second line in the verse that reads "From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines" says to me that Whitman has just realized the only limit to discovery was himself and he opened up his mind to a new perspective. Now I am just explaining how this poem speaks to me personally, others may interpret differently. But this next two lines is what I really enjoy, Whitman says..
"I inhale great daughters of space;
The east and the west are mine and the north and the south are mine."
I think the great daughters of space is the earth or the air, that belongs to everyone. When he writes, the east and the south are mine, the north and the south are mine, I interpret that to mean that the earth is mine, yours, ours, everyone's; and those limits and imaginary lines he mentions in the verse before that are the limits that hold us back from adventures on earth. I definitely know the feeling of freedom and liberation when I'm on the road, going anywhere I choose. I'm still trying to figure all of it out but I believe I have it figured out my own way. Poetry is meant to be read in a very personal way and to have many ways of perceiving them so I thought.
The overall feeling and emotion I get from the poem is positive and happy and free, that's why it's one of my personal favorites. It made me happy reading my copy of Leaves of Grass and envisioning Walt Whitman traveling, meeting people along the way of his journey.. It feels like maybe things just haven't changed that much since the 1940's. I think I will come back to this later in a similar blog post.. Until then. Xoxo <3

The Hermit

I find it odd that I almost always pick this Tarot card when I'm not picking The Chariot. I guess in some ways, I am the hermit. Merritt McKinney (Woody Harrelson's character in Now You See Me)  recieves The Hermit card in the beginning of the movie to symbolize his strong emotions and relates to his skill of mentalism & ability to read people's thoughts while also keeping his guard up. I don't think The Hermit is a necessarily bad thing, but it can also mean that you are in need of self-assurance. I downloaded a Zodiac app and this is how The Hermit is described.
In this card the wise elder has come of age. The light in the lantern represents the wisdom he has gained from the experiences he's faced on his life path. His solitude brings solace as he has become more self aware and fulfilled from within. He teaches us that to be alone does not mean to be "lonely."
When this card comes up, you are asked to be self-reliant now and to find your own solutions, but this is a process of growth. Those who take chances on themselves gain wisdom and understanding and also build more opportunities for themselves. 
This card reminds us that there are no easy answers , no one can give us our answers or supply us with peace, happiness, fulfilment, etc. Those things must be cultivated from within and then we attract other people / circumstances to us that are of a higher level to share with.
If you are struggling with what to do just now, look inside yourself and your inner wisdom and make a decision with that inner-knowing-- not merely what you "think" you want or need or what others may think. This card tells you that you are being called upon at this time to live authentically, creating your own destiny.

So what this says to me is that The Hermit doesn't seek satisfaction from anyone, but from themselves and from knowing that loving yourself needs to come first. When it says "he teaches us that to be alone does not mean to be lonely" I definitely feel the same.. loneliness is a concept that we fear, that if we are alone we are trapped in our thoughts, that it would feel better to surround ourselves with toxic people  rather than be alone. We would rather let someone else make decisions instead of bearing the burden of thinking everything through.
More and more people fear being alone as if it is a bad thing but I think you need to have those moments with yourself. You need to think those thoughts through and you've got to think them through by yourself, and form your own solutions & make a decision for yourself rather than someone else. When you have done that and you have a good idea of dealing and coping with those things on your own, then you can open up to someone about your thoughts & seek guidance. If you constantly expect people to give you ideas and guide you to a "better life" then how will you ever learn how to accept those things yourself? How will you form your own thought without the input of someone else?
Guidance is not a bad thing, trust me, we all need guidance from those who are closest to us for support and to help us along the way... but when do you stop and think, "maybe I want to choose my own path?" Do you think that if those who are closest to you won't support you if it's a decision you made by yourself? When you've accepted your own response to a stressful or a tough situation then you can seek the guidance you need to achieve the goal you have set for yourself.
Maybe it's just me who would rather live my life in that way because to me, it just seems like people rely on others so much that it's hard for them to make decisions or form a complete thought on their own.
See the last line of the Tarot reading, "This card tells you that you are being called upon at this time to live authentically, creating your own destiny." This line spoke to me in a way that I could clearly understand and relate to. If you are the one creating your own destiny then you have a better chance for achieving self-love and self-acceptance. When you realize that matters more than anyone's opinion of you, then you can be truly happy and free. When you have achieved that the benefits you will gain will be worth all of the time spent.
There is a common misconception about how introverts are often thought of as aggressive or unhappy but I believe The Hermit has more to offer & has more emotional depth than they are showing on the surface. You see The Hermit as a pessimist but we are really just glad that we're not living life in a simple mind that you see in a lot of people. The Hermit doesn't wish to be negative it simply wants to understand, be understood, and contemplate more important things.
While The Hermit may seem distant or unattached, it is probably just having a deep thought or thinking through solutions to their problems. As a hermit I can say that I am often mistaken for not giving a fuck or being out of my comfort zone when in reality I am just listening to my thoughts and get zoned out, I promise it's not because I don't care about you. When I'm in my own little world inside my mind I tend to drift away from conversation or seem shy but it's only because I'm trying to find insight, inspiration, or I'm searching my thoughts for ideas. After I have done that I feel a great feeling of accomolishment that I was able to form a complete train of thought and then feel satisfaction with myself for deep thinking beyond my own existence. It really is a great feeling, I promise. To me, it feels like being enlightened with inner-knowledge of things that are beyond yourself. When you begin to open your mind and see everything from a different perspective, it really fills you with wonder and curiosity that I cannot quite describe in the right words.
I think I got really insightful and thoughtful in this Blog but my words aren't just empty thoughts. I try to live the way an animal would live, carefree and instinctive with no perception of time. Time is a concept that does not directly have a meaning because it's just time, its just the point where the sun comes up then trades  places with the moon. I cannot accurately reflect on a concept like time so I try to live life on my own time. Make my own time, make my own thoughts, and create myself.. because that is what matters most. Anyways, Goodnight ♡

Posting Thoughts & Horoscopes

So, I don't have much to blog about except for Whitman, Astrology, & art because I have found a new love for literature and poetry, and the horoscopes so I've just been throwing myself into it. I like my new life, without a smart phone, without the internet all the time except for when I use my mom's laptop occasionally. I feel like I am living more free and living life as it should be, and living without artificial pleasures. I doubt people worried about me when I seemed to drop off the face of the earth for 2 months, but if anyone did, don't worry because I'm doing just fine. I've been doing much soul searching, trying to create myself (or figure myself out) with no distraction, and I'm getting to be all free-spirit.
But anyways, enough about me, I wanted to post my horoscope reading for tomorrow (September 4, 2017) - this one is interesting and made me feel a little better.
Tap into your creativity to unblock your emotions today, Pisces. This can be a more powerful tool than you realize. Creativity is a big part of you -- almost as big as communication. Your emotions are linked to these, and all are interacting beneath the surface. If one is blocked, the key to releasing it is to focus on the other two. Express yourself through creativity and talking to someone else. 
I paint almost all the time, but lately it just seems like I have been struggling to find inspiration and ideas. Painting and drawing are two of my favorite things to do but I just wish I could find myself and maybe I could express myself better through paintings.
What this horoscope reading tells me that maybe communicating my emotions and thoughts to someone close to me, I can release these emotions therefor letting my mind focus only on my creativity. I do have tons of "emotions interacting under the surface" so if I can get all of these emotions off of my chest, I can start doing what I love more.
And now it's September, so a new month means a new monthly horoscope. My horoscope for the month of September says..
On September 4th, the Sun opposes Neptune. Trust your feelings and intuition. Be more psychic. Your heart is in for a wild ride during September 6th's full moon, which also conjoins Neptune. (Pisces' Planet) Romantic fantasies and angelic ideas are rarely strong or numerous. Dreams should be rich, too. On the September 19th's new moon, love may take a firm grip on your heart, but it won't be easy and possibly not at all fun. You may want too much, and you may want to give too much. If feelings get hurt, it will mostly be over imagined problems. Relax if you can. 
So, I've highlighted the parts that are my favorite and most interesting. This month is so far so good, and I'd love to keep it that way. I find the "Dreams should be rich" part so exciting. I love having dreams, no matter how weird they get. I get upset or disappointed if I wake up without having a dream. (Which doesn't happen often, because I dream very avidly.) Sometimes I dream of things pertaining to my life and things that I do and sometimes, my dreams are just waaayyy out there. It's ashame that I have more fun in my dreams then 75% of the time I'm awake. (I still have a little fun)
Okay, so a new website I get horoscopes from is horoscope.com and they have different categories of zodiac readings including health, money, relationships, etc. I am going to write my "health horoscope"
Today's aspect brings you to a quiet place of introspection that might lead to significant changes. Notice what you are thinking about beneath the surface - give yourself some extra personal time during the day if it is hard for you to concentrate. A yoga class or run will give you some time to focus on what's important. Consider your abilities to change what you aren't happy with in your life - they are formidable !
That just sounded like a good idea to collect my thoughts. (The running not the yoga class.) I already go on walks through Florida when I don't feel like wasting gas in my car.
Okay, now I need to stop because I have spent 2 and a half hours blogging about my horoscopes and how I interpreted them, so I am ending this one. Until next time! xoxo

Another Accurate Horoscope Reading

Today, I went back to Astrology.com to read another days Horoscope, and again I felt like it was very fitting to me. It's a little bit longer than usual, but this is what it said...
The array of stars in your heaven will occur in your very own sign-- which means you're going to be so darned emotional , you probably won't recognize yourself. You're also going to be feeling extremely rebellious, so anyone who tries to challenge you or test you -- well, they'll soon learn it wasn't the best idea they ever had. You'll let 'em have it with both barrels -- as well you should. No more Mr. Nice Guy (or Gal)!!

Yeah, I really like that one because it was very well said and written. I agree, I have been feeling emotional yet rebellious lately. I still haven't gotten to tell anyone like it is, though. I feel like people who would even want to try to "challenge me" are too scared to anyways, and they won't. So, I doubt that's going to happen.
So, on Astrology.com, you can read different horoscopes like "Daily, Monthly, and Daily Couples" but this time around, I clicked on "Daily Quickies" (sexual joke intended,) but basically the quickies are a short version of your horoscope. They're usually only a sentence or two long, and mine for today says: Your creativity will be sparkling today -- express yourself.  And I really loved this one. This is funny, because I was actually being creative today by helping mamma paint some rocks for the Kindness Rocks Project. You paint something on a rock and you hide it somewhere for someone to find, then they are supposed to hide it for someone else to find, and so on. I painted like 5 of them, so I think that counts. Painting the rocks was really fun.

I painted the black and white, lace looking one, the Alabama A, and the swirly one. The quotes are the ones my mamma did. 

My Horoscopes are like always accurate. It's crazy! I may be nuts for believing in Astrology, but that's perfectly fine with me. Another one I just read says this: Your operatic chorus sounds great to you-- and might be affecting to certain others as well. See if you can get folks going with you or at least make sure they sit quietly and pay careful attention to your art. I guess I just liked the sound of that one.

And then I read tomorrow's Horoscope, and I liked it even more! "You should pay attention to your dreams, Pisces, but tonight your subconscious might send you some garbled information that means next to nothing. If the message is obvious, pay attention to it, but if you have to preform too many mental gymnastics to discern what the symbols mean, they might mean nothing. Sometimes a dream is just a dream. 

This was particularly interesting, because I have dreams every night and they are always so clear and my dreams always seem so real. It can sometimes be hard to tell if I'm dreaming or awake, because when I'm asleep and still kind of living life because I'm still doing things, going places, and moving around in my dreams, I sometimes don't know what's real or what's a dream. The yearly Horoscope I read directly mentions this (again, same as another last month.) I was kind of shocked when I read it, honestly. It said... 

2017 is a year of pure magic! Take the time to distinguish between what's real and what's illusion and you'll safely navigate any and all situations. 

With the Mars-Neptune conjunction in Pisces that opens 2017, you can use charm rather than be charmed, hold true to the loftiest of ideas, and dispel any deceit or deception.

The January Sun-Pluto conjunction in Capricorn brings intensity to all your efforts for success. It intensifies your feelings and passions, too.

A February solar eclipse in Pisces opens another door. Your modern planet Neptune is conjoined with the eclipsed Sun. If the outside world is in disarray, you'll see through the fog and be a beacon for others to realize what is best.

Your traditional planet Jupiter spends most of the year in Libra and is incredibly powerful. It starts in opposition to Uranus in Aries. This puts a lid on too many or too wild desires. 

When the Sun enters Pisces in February, Jupiter will still be opposed to Uranus, but now Mars and Aries are involved. Rash actions or impulses will be recognized in time. Pour extra creative energy into more constructive channels. 

When the Sun enters Pisces, it will be together with the Lunar South Mode. Memories, feelings, and emotional ties are strong this year. Catch yourself if you fall back into any old habits and benefit from what the past has taught you. 

So this could be applied to both my dreams and real life. I looked up the Pisces Strengths and Weaknesses and such, this is what it said. All of this is just spot on to me. This is just crazy how spot on these are. Without a doubt, I believe in the Zodiac. I just don't believe that my desire to escape reality and dream should be considered a weakness, though. Sure, it's true, I love to dream and love the places I can go and the things I can do in my dreams that I can't do in reality, but I definitely don't feel like that weakens me. Sometimes, my dreams are just better than my reality. 

I also picked a tarot card and I picked the Temperance. This is what it told me.. Patience is your secret weapon to face down all obstacles today. Take your good old time to make sure you understand what needs to be done, for whom, why, and how. The methodical approach may not be your natural or favorite one, and it might annoy someone who has a different opinion on how urgent the issue is. Nonetheless, patience will get your through the day with fewer, if any, mishaps. 

As I've said before, if I continue to blog about Astrology, I will be here all night and I don't feel like that, so I think this is all for now. 

Understanding Walt Whitman

Lately, I've been doing lots of reading and trying to understand poetry better so while I was at Books a Million with my mom, she told me she would let me pick out a book and she would buy it so I was really happy about that. I decided to get Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass and I don't think I could've made a better decision. So for the passed month or so I have been doing lots of reading. The poems in Leaves of Grass are really interesting and well written. My favorites so far are Song of Myself, Song of the Open Road, and Perfections. Song of Myself really speaks to me because it's about doing things for yourself, and understanding other people's point of views. One of my favorite lines goes like this:
"I exist as I am, that is enough.
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content."

Meaning I don't care if anyone acknowledges me and I don't care if my existence means anything to anyone else, because I'm not seeking approval from anyone. I have filled up tons of pages in my inspiration journal with quotes and poetry by Walt Whitman. Song of the Open Road is another one of my favorites, but like Song of Myself, it is a very long poem with way too many lines to recite right now. So I will just recite one line that meant something to me.

The north and the south are mine, the east and the west are mine. 
And to me, this means that when I'm driving, I can go anywhere I choose. Every direction of the open road is mine. I don't know if that line is 100% correctly quoted, because I don't have my copy of Leaves of Grass with me right now, so I'm trying to only go by my memory. I have highlighted all of my favorite lines in the book that I've read so far and I wish I could write them all down on my blog but I don't feel like going to get it out of my car right now.

Unlike Song of Myself and Song of the Open Road, Walt Whitman's poem Perfections is very short. In fact, it's only 2 lines long, so I can recite it really easily. It goes like this...
"Only themselves understand themselves and the likes of themselves,
As souls only understand souls."
And I just really liked this one because it seems fitting to say that souls only understand souls. People really don't understand each other the way we should. We only understand our own perspectives and our own reasons for doing things.

Astrology

So, I decided tonight that I would visit Astrology.com to get my horoscope and pick some Tarot cards and surprisingly, they were all fitting. My horoscope said essentially that beginning late in the evening, I would feel compelled to complete everything that's unfinished in a "most methodical way." Then proceeded to ask the question; Are you up for it, even though you're usually not very fond of rules that encumber your creative side? You bet you are. So I assume that answer would be yes, because here I am, dotting all of the i's and crossing all of the t's. I felt like I left my blog unfinished this morning and honestly felt bored because I don't have anything else to do.
I also read my Horoscope from yesterday, and it told me that if I were to buy myself a gift, to buy a journal because it's something to be productive with my time and creativity. Am I going to buy a new journal? Probably not, because I already have plenty, but still, I am a bit impressed at the accuracy. I have been feeling the need to do more writing lately, and if not writing, just coloring instead of painting. I've been trying to get better at using colored pencils but for now, but that's irrelevant.
Anyways, I proceeded deeper in Astrology.com and picked my random Tarot cards and they seemed to be accurate. First, I picked a Daily Tarot and I got the Sun! After that, I picked a random Yes or No tarot card and this is what it said....
The Sun- Your Answer is Yes!
The Sun represents good thoughts, happiness, and contentment. You find a good place in your life where you experience satisfaction. Your worries fade away for a time and you are able to relax. All of the fears that surrounded you for so long now fade into the background. This is a result more of your own attitude changing rather than a turn of events.

So, as much time as I've been spending on myself and my attitude, and just trying to rid my life of negativity should soon pay off. That much is true, regardless of how you feel about horoscopes or tarot cards or any psychic readings. I'll admit that I used to call it bullshit but these reading are somewhat seeming to fall into place with how my life is going right now.

Sleepless

I usually can't even blog whenever I want because I never have a reliable Internet connection, but for now, I can. So I woke up a few hours ago from another nightmare where I'm back in the ocean but can't swim because the water is just too choppy and wavy. I understand why I would be having that nightmare, though because 2 weeks ago I was on the boat with Kali, Wil, and Tyler but didn't consider that when I jumped off the boat in the water that it would be a lot harder to swim than before because the waves were just too strong. It was the first time I've swam and used all my strength but barely went anywhere. To me, I think the reason I would be having a nightmare about that is because I've always been such a strong swimmer but felt like I was losing control. I take some pride in feeling like a mermaid at heart with swimming being something I'm really good at, and maybe I felt like that was taken from me. That day was bad because I wasn't expecting the ocean to be so much stronger than me. The last time we all went swimming off the boat, the water was calm and very gentle so I guess I just thought it would be okay.
Sometimes, I can understand my dreams, like that one, but others just confuse the hell out of me. In my dreams, I am usually driving because that's what I do a lot, especially now because I've been driving a lot from state to state on the weekends. I'm driving in my dreams, but I always know where to go. The roads I take in my dreams always lead me to places that I intend on going, but the roads themselves are different. So my problem is obviously not with direction, but maybe different roads? Even the roads in Florida, that are still kind of new to me, appear to be different but still go where they're supposed to go. Basically, they look like roads I have never driven in my entire life but go to the same places I've been driving before. I don't understand that at all.
I'm a very avid, very vivid dreamer. I've had friends tell me that they don't dream and I'm just trying to imagine, how boring and how monotonous that must be. Even if my dreams turn into nightmares, it's still okay with me because even when I'm dreaming, I sort of know that I'm dreaming. I have gotten into a habit of doing reality checks, which carry on into my dreams so I just know. Some of the reality checks I do is counting how many fingers I have, (In your dreams, you will have more or less than 10 fingers) watch a digital clock and make sure time is actually going by in minutes, (I choose a digital clock because seeing the numbers go up with the minutes is another way to check that you're awake. While you're dreaming, time on the clock will appear to move faster, or stay at the same time.) I also do reality checks in my car, because as I mentioned before, a lot of my dreams happen in my car so I use my speedometer and RPMs to determine if I'm dreaming or not. (And this one, is all my own, so this probably won't work for anyone else. If the speedometer just sits in the same place for a really long time, or my speed shoots up and then goes down rapidly, I can assume I'm dreaming. Anything out of the ordinary.)
Before, I've actually dreamed that I was driving my car while it was on fire. That was a really scary one, that began as a regular dream then quickly turned into a nightmare. Sometimes I dream that I'm trying to get my car to go into gear, but it can't, or I'm pressing the gas but going nowhere or hitting the brakes but not stopping. I've even dreamed that I had 2 Fiats. I feel like I would be having a dream like that because I'm afraid my car is going to break down on me or not be reliable when I need it. It's funny, because my shift linkage on my car is broken, so Zach has to put my car in gear manually. (In simple terms, when I move my gear shifter to Park, Reverse or Drive, nothing happens because the link is missing.) This just happened recently but I've had the dream that my car wouldn't go into gear before.

Florida

I have been out of Alabama and off of social media for a few months now. Mainly because there was soda in my phone and that's why it was always breaking and the battery had to be replaced so many times. I'm not complaining, though. I actually like not being on social media all the time. So now, I only get online when I use my mom's laptop when I'm visiting her.
I use an old Tracfone now and all I use it for is calling because I barely text anyone anyways. But anyways, Florida is amazing and fun. I'm much happier living there than living in this dump town. I'm getting to be all free spirit and do my own thing for a while before I consider moving back. That is, if I even considered it, anyways, because for now I haven't. Florida just makes me feel like I'm going to be young forever and makes me a happier person in general. My small town house is perfect for me, and it's a good place to read and think and create art and paintings.
I may login to my Tumblr art blog and download some of them to my Art page on this blog.
Sometimes, sharing my art with the internet seems like a good idea, because I guess I want other people to enjoy my paintings, (if you enjoy that kinda stuff.) but sometimes it feels like a crime because it opens up a window of opportunity for others to steal or copy my ideas, or in other cases, try to tell me my paintings are awful or ugly or unsatisfactory. Whatever happens, it's okay because I don't upload all of my art anyways. Surely, there's no way for anyone to steal all my ideas, though. I have filled up almost two Canson Mixed Media books with nothing but my paintings and drawings. I love the mixed media books, because I love painting with watercolors and the mix media paper works amazing for watercolor because the paper is thicker than regular paper.

Anyways, on another note, spending the weekend of the Marion rodeo actually in Marion feels kind of weird but okay. The reason I'm actually here is because Monday, Zach and I are going with my mom on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas. And from what I hear, it's just as beautiful and amazing as it sounds. I can't wait! I've never been so far West before. Apparently, you can get in the Hot Springs like a hot tub and there's minerals in the water that's really good for your skin because it's all natural spring water heated up by the Earth I guess. All I know is this is going to be one of the most fun road trips I've had in a long time.
Maybe I'll come back even darker than I already am, which is really tan anyways. I've never been so tan before, and so early in the year. It's not even summer yet and I already have really broad, thick tan lines where my bikini sits. It took hours and hours of sitting on the beach to get as tan as I am now so I hope I don't have to start over next summer.

My Happy Place

This is at Okaloosa Island's Boardwalk in Fort Walton Florida. I love the beach so much, it makes me so happy and I love getting to swim in the ocean and the best part is I'm gonna get to go back tomorrow

Picture Post #2

Selfie cause I'm cute and I am a goddess in pink lipstick. 

JoJo & I :) where I come from you can be underage and get away with drinking in the bar, they don't give a fuck! ;D

Selfie with my car that I love oh, so much<3

My blue eyes that sparkle and shine brighter than a hundred stars. (: because I just love my eyes

The next time I get my hair done, it will be something like this. So I can be blonde & pink at the same time ;D

Wait... Why am I posting pictures? I don't have to. I use FreePrints. Best decision ever!