Astral Projecting

So how do I begin to explain this? How about I start from when I was very young and dreamed just as vividly and lucidly as I still do today. I'm a child no younger than 4 years old and I have a dream that I'm getting out of bed, "walking" to the bathroom next to my bedroom. I feel the energy the entire time I'm walking, and I'm groggy, actually feeling the sluggish and drowsy footsteps. I walk to the toilet and sit down only to awake in a pool of urine in my bed. Apparently lots of kids have had dreams like this before where they have wet the bed in a dream before, but I believe this is only a little taste of what astral projection can be.
If you go to Google or YouTube you can see lots of people's stories about AP and what they experienced. Wikipedia calls astral projection an OBE (out of body experience) and describes it as having the ability to let your soul leave your physical body while you're sleeping. While you're in a half awake and half asleep state you can apparently let your soul leave your body on command (or it can sometimes even happen accidentally.) I've done it accidentally before because I've never actually tried to astral project before.... until last night.
Let me just say that I am in no way experienced with this, I am only a beginner. I also want to add that AP can be tricky to get right the first time because you have to relax your body completely while also moving your arms and legs with your mind only and that's how you navigate through AP realms. These realms apparently look exactly like places you see everyday or look exactly like your house or bedroom. I believe these realms are connected to the physical world but we can only see these places in the dreamlike state. So I watched lots of videos and did lots of reading before I attempted this on my own and once I found out exactly what to do I decided I would try before I fell asleep.
The astral projectors on YouTube said they would relax while only moving with their mind and they would feel the waves of relaxation starting the "hypnosis" and I did. I relaxed every muscle while concentrating on moving my arms with only my mind which I have noticed I had the ability to do for a while now. I did the rope technique which helps you exercise your ability to move around while in astral projection. Koi on YouTube said he focuses his mind on one spot of the body at a time and imagine your moving it (without actually moving it) and I knew what he was talking about immediately because I've done it before. I did this for awhile to get used to the feeling. In his video he also said that focusing your mind on the center of your forehead, where your third eye would be, could also help with focusing so I did that too. I started feeling the waves and the vibrations like he said I would. Koi said when he first begins to project, he feels the vibrations then sees nothing but the white light (where you cross into another realm) until he completely crosses over then he can see all around his bedroom where he's sleeping then project to other places.
My first time experience wasn't much because I guess I was just focusing too much on what I was doing but when my experience was starting to turn out like a lot of other people's and I saw nothing but the white light Koi was talking about, I got scared and I immediately woke up. I saw the white light and I felt the vibrations and my soul left my physical body, but I became a little too aware of what I had just done and I immediately got scared and woke myself up on command. I woke up to my heart racing but I knew why.. I really did not want to have this experience while I was frightened so I never allowed myself to completely cross over into the other realm... wherever it would've taken me. I fell asleep like I normally would.
Mind you, this was only my first time trying AP on command so I knew what I was doing when I was doing it, but once I became aware of what was actually happening... I don't know I just got too scared. I'm going to try again tonight but I'm going to try not to be afraid of it like I was last night.. I probably sound like a crazy person but I've got to get to the bottom of this and what all these dreams are meaning...
I will write about my second time trying tomorrow because I'm going to try again and see what happens. I recommend reading lots of stories from so many people that experienced similar things while astral projecting and decide for yourself, are all of these people just dreaming or can they really go to the next level with their mind? I may try it if I take a nap later.. I don't know but I can't be afraid like I was last time.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

I have been thinking non-stop about dropping acid again because it feels like it's been such a long time and I just want to have that euphoria again... It really is something special so keeping your tolerance down & waiting awhile to drop again makes it even better the next time you do it. I just can't stop thinking about everything I felt those two times I tried it and how it opened my mind. I wish it weren't so hard of a drug to come by but it's better to be taken rarely anyways.
Dropping acid feels like time ceases to have meaning and you are lost in your own mind. Hallucinations are awesome.. I wish I could put into words how truly amazing it actually is but describing what LSD does to you is really hard to explain... I just wish I could feel that way again.. after all this time. I am ready to embrace acid for what it really is...

Out of the blue

Last night I went to bed after eating like 3 pot brownies so needless to say, I was stoned out of my mind. Let me start off by saying I am a very strong dreamer okay? I dream almost all the time, basically every night and I remember them all. I can remember dreams I had when I was little and I remember dreams I had years ago.. it's almost like I get to live this second life in my dreams. A lot of the places that I go in my dreams look like similar places that I go in real life or alternate versions of them... For example I can be in a house that looks just like my grandparents house in my dream except the paint on the wall will be a different color, the bed in a different place, a chair in a different spot.. little shit. I can recognize little stuff and small details in my dreams and it can be cool yet creepy..
Okay so flashback to last night.. I'm having this dream that I'm in this strange house, I don't know maybe it's a trap house but I'm looking out of a window and there's a really tall guy standing outside (I'm on the inside looking out...) and he's just really got this negative vibe about him. He is standing outside waving a gun around and he's mad about something, I don't know what and I don't care, so I'm trying to lock this door that is beside the window. I start to struggle with the lock for some reason because in my dreams I guess I just can't get ahold of myself completely. This has happened to me in dreams before. So I lose a bit of time struggling with the lock on this old door and by that time the angry man has made it to the door and he is pushing but I am holding him back by pushing the door... I don't know what to do so I just start yelling for Zach. (Note, Zach hasn't shown up in this dream yet.. He comes as a knight in shining armour in the end.)
I eventually get the door shut and locked, because somehow I am able to overpower this big man by pushing on the door but dream logic, right? I was calling for Zach but he still hadn't showed up and at this point in the dream I'm freaking out because I think maybe the mad guy had Zach or something... I was glad I had got the old door locked but it didn't help because the windows turned out to just be empty holes in the wall... A window without a window pane. I hadn't deciphered if the window was like that before when I was looking out of it... or if the window pane had just disappeared. It didn't matter anyways, because the angry guy with the extremely negative energy had got inside through the window hole and was pointing a gun at me. I remember yelling, "Zach, get a gun!" but then panicking because I thought well we don't have a gun.
By then the angry man was grabbing me by my neck and just sort of holding me there, and I never could figure out why he was so mad. He had a really scary and almost evil face and he had a really long beard. I was just screaming in the dream until Zach, out of nowhere, comes in the room and he's got a gun, then shoots the guy in the head point blank... I remember having his blood all over me because he was standing so close to me and holding me there with nothing between us but his arm. It's like in the dream, everything was in slow motion yet happened so fast. Dreaming it was strange because when the bullet hit him in the head, I watched it happen like right in front of me and there was blood splatter... I looked down at my hands and there was blood all over them, and all of a sudden... I wake up.
This also happens a lot in my dreams; waking up in the middle of the night, falling asleep again, then dreaming again. Most of the time I will go back to sleep and dream something new but only rarely will I go back and continue dreaming the same dream I awoke from before. After that one terrifying dream, the rest of the night seemed to mellow out a little bit. I dreamed of driving a big RV with Zach and it was amazing because we were driving through these beautiful streets and places. Tall trees on both sides of the road, tall hills that we climbed then drove down. It really was like seeing some place new even though it came from my own mind... Then we stopped some quiet and secluded place surrounded by beautiful pine trees and a small pond or lake was off to the side... I'm just recalling all these details and trying to put them together for a blog post cause apparently, it can help you to write about your dreams to remember them better and by clarifying that yes, in fact that was a dream and I am not dreaming right now kind of way. Reality checks can also help you control a dream better because by being sure of the fact that you're awake, can help you recognize when you are in a dream.
Anyways, that's how the rest of the night went... I was driving an RV and exploring abandoned houses with Zach; for some reason these are regular dreaming patterns for me because so many of my dreams happen on the road or I dream about being in a very big, almost house-like RVs. Seriously, I am not joking when I say the RV of my dreams is big enough for 50 people and I don't even know how that's physically possible lol. I just remember seeing lots of bunk beds and closets in rooms and a long hallway that turned into the driver's seat. My dreams don't make a whole lot of sense but it's the normal for me to go to bed and get to drive everywhere in places that my subconscious mind creates. I drive my car a lot too but not as much as an RV except a few times I dreamed of driving the RV, (including last night's) I almost lose control of it.
Last night I let my foot off of the brake in the RV and it started rolling forward and I couldn't get my leg to press back on the brakes again but I can never get my body to do things normally in my dreams. I started to panic again but then Zach came to my rescue again for the second dream in the same night! 💜 He pulled up this emergency brake in the RV that I didn't see and we came to a stop. It's funny how I can almost feel the movement of the vehicle in my dreams, whether it's my car or an RV.. I can feel like I'm actually driving and actually stopping the car. When I let my foot off the brakes and the RV started rolling forward it actually felt like my body was rolling and when Zach pulled the e-brake I really felt like I came to a stop. (Note: I have done that before in dreams; let my foot slip off the brake & roll forward or feel like the brakes in the car have gone out and can't slow the car down, but NEVER has someone ever intervened and taken control of it like that... last night was different.)
I am really fascinated by the fact that my mind creates these dreams while I'm sleeping and it's like a little version of a universe, just for me. All of the scenery in my dreams that's just like the scenery I see everyday, yet different or alternate versions of it and they're visions that are only for me. Dreams are quite fascinating to me. I wish I hadn't taken any Dramamine because it suppresses my dreams but I was just having too hard of a time sleeping. I'm going to try to get some sleep though... I feel like there was more to that dream that I'm not remembering right away but I will post it when I have a clearer head. Goodnight xoxo 💜💝💟

Amazing weed! 💜

The perfect weed for me would be a nugg that weighs 3 grams and tastes minty & earthy. I would smoke it out of a water bong and get really stoned because weed tastes so much better from a bong. Smoking feels like being relaxed yet focused, but if you smoke too much (or do like I did and keep smoking after I'm already high) then you might feel like a potato just sitting on the couch or laying in bed only getting up to eat something lolol. Getting high is actually really fun and it doesn't prevent you from being a functioning human being or make you act stupid because you are using your brain a little more when you smoke weed.
If weed was either legal or cheaper I would smoke so much because I don't care I just like getting high plus I keep smoking after I'm already high and get "fucked up." It's in quotation marks because being fucked up on weed really isn't that bad like for example, getting fucked up on alcohol will make you act differently and sometimes make people belligerent.. I guarantee you that you will get waayyyy more fucked up and rowdy drinking alcohol than smoking weed. Shit, when you're stoned you're most likely going to be a little shy or just have a deep conversation with one of your friends. When you're high you don't want to cause a big scene or even draw a lot of attention to yourself.
I think I'm going to end this blog post here because I really just wanted to express my love to weed. I will smoke it until the day I die, I just love the natural high.

Song of the Open Road

I know I have mentioned this poem before in my blog, but I didn't go into a lot of detail about my favorite parts and verses of it. I personally have spent lots of time on the road myself, whether it be me having a fun road trip or having to drive my mom somewhere I don't want to go, I still always find myself wandering the roads. In Song of the Open Road, Whitman describes the road as a happy place because everyone on the road is adventuring and experiencing the earth instead of being hidden away indoors. I notice this also.. though I don't know if I believe everyone is happy like they were during Whitman's time. This is one of my favorite verses...
"Oh highway I travel! Oh public road! Do you say to me, Do not leave me?
Do you say, Venture not? If you leave me, you are lost?
Do you say, I am already prepared-- I am well-beaten and undenied-- adhere to me?"
Here, Whitman is saying that the road is a concept that you find out for yourself; that the road doesn't have to beg for your attention but it already has your full attention. At least that's how I interpret it and we all read poetry the way we want to read it.. we get what we want out of them. I can relate with Whitman so well in Song of the Open Road because he finds happiness on the road, exploring.. venturing out on a quest. He considers indoors a place of solitude and loneliness where he is stuck with his dark thoughts whereas finds comfort in traveling the road. In this next verse that is explained this is what he says..
"Oh public road! I say back, I am not afraid to leave you-- yet I love you!
You express me better than I can express myself ;
You shall be more to me than my poem."
and that verse just spoke to me. I cannot relay Whitman's message, because I am getting what I want out of it so I'm not going to try to explain the meaning behind this.. but I can say that I often use driving as a way to forget my problems and think about life so this is the way it spoke to me. Traveling is the best stress reliever and you can learn a lot about yourself along the journey. Okay, onto the next verse..
"From this hour, freedom!
From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will,
divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
*Divesting meaning (to rid or free from.)
To me, it sounds like Whitman has just freed himself from something very bad that was holding him back and now he is liberated. He needed the road trip to do some soul searching for himself by meeting new people and hearing their stories. The second line in the verse that reads "From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines" says to me that Whitman has just realized the only limit to discovery was himself and he opened up his mind to a new perspective. Now I am just explaining how this poem speaks to me personally, others may interpret differently. But this next two lines is what I really enjoy, Whitman says..
"I inhale great daughters of space;
The east and the west are mine and the north and the south are mine."
I think the great daughters of space is the earth or the air, that belongs to everyone. When he writes, the east and the south are mine, the north and the south are mine, I interpret that to mean that the earth is mine, yours, ours, everyone's; and those limits and imaginary lines he mentions in the verse before that are the limits that hold us back from adventures on earth. I definitely know the feeling of freedom and liberation when I'm on the road, going anywhere I choose. I'm still trying to figure all of it out but I believe I have it figured out my own way. Poetry is meant to be read in a very personal way and to have many ways of perceiving them so I thought.
The overall feeling and emotion I get from the poem is positive and happy and free, that's why it's one of my personal favorites. It made me happy reading my copy of Leaves of Grass and envisioning Walt Whitman traveling, meeting people along the way of his journey.. It feels like maybe things just haven't changed that much since the 1940's. I think I will come back to this later in a similar blog post.. Until then. Xoxo <3

The Hermit

I find it odd that I almost always pick this Tarot card when I'm not picking The Chariot. I guess in some ways, I am the hermit. Merritt McKinney (Woody Harrelson's character in Now You See Me)  recieves The Hermit card in the beginning of the movie to symbolize his strong emotions and relates to his skill of mentalism & ability to read people's thoughts while also keeping his guard up. I don't think The Hermit is a necessarily bad thing, but it can also mean that you are in need of self-assurance. I downloaded a Zodiac app and this is how The Hermit is described.
In this card the wise elder has come of age. The light in the lantern represents the wisdom he has gained from the experiences he's faced on his life path. His solitude brings solace as he has become more self aware and fulfilled from within. He teaches us that to be alone does not mean to be "lonely."
When this card comes up, you are asked to be self-reliant now and to find your own solutions, but this is a process of growth. Those who take chances on themselves gain wisdom and understanding and also build more opportunities for themselves. 
This card reminds us that there are no easy answers , no one can give us our answers or supply us with peace, happiness, fulfilment, etc. Those things must be cultivated from within and then we attract other people / circumstances to us that are of a higher level to share with.
If you are struggling with what to do just now, look inside yourself and your inner wisdom and make a decision with that inner-knowing-- not merely what you "think" you want or need or what others may think. This card tells you that you are being called upon at this time to live authentically, creating your own destiny.

So what this says to me is that The Hermit doesn't seek satisfaction from anyone, but from themselves and from knowing that loving yourself needs to come first. When it says "he teaches us that to be alone does not mean to be lonely" I definitely feel the same.. loneliness is a concept that we fear, that if we are alone we are trapped in our thoughts, that it would feel better to surround ourselves with toxic people  rather than be alone. We would rather let someone else make decisions instead of bearing the burden of thinking everything through.
More and more people fear being alone as if it is a bad thing but I think you need to have those moments with yourself. You need to think those thoughts through and you've got to think them through by yourself, and form your own solutions & make a decision for yourself rather than someone else. When you have done that and you have a good idea of dealing and coping with those things on your own, then you can open up to someone about your thoughts & seek guidance. If you constantly expect people to give you ideas and guide you to a "better life" then how will you ever learn how to accept those things yourself? How will you form your own thought without the input of someone else?
Guidance is not a bad thing, trust me, we all need guidance from those who are closest to us for support and to help us along the way... but when do you stop and think, "maybe I want to choose my own path?" Do you think that if those who are closest to you won't support you if it's a decision you made by yourself? When you've accepted your own response to a stressful or a tough situation then you can seek the guidance you need to achieve the goal you have set for yourself.
Maybe it's just me who would rather live my life in that way because to me, it just seems like people rely on others so much that it's hard for them to make decisions or form a complete thought on their own.
See the last line of the Tarot reading, "This card tells you that you are being called upon at this time to live authentically, creating your own destiny." This line spoke to me in a way that I could clearly understand and relate to. If you are the one creating your own destiny then you have a better chance for achieving self-love and self-acceptance. When you realize that matters more than anyone's opinion of you, then you can be truly happy and free. When you have achieved that the benefits you will gain will be worth all of the time spent.
There is a common misconception about how introverts are often thought of as aggressive or unhappy but I believe The Hermit has more to offer & has more emotional depth than they are showing on the surface. You see The Hermit as a pessimist but we are really just glad that we're not living life in a simple mind that you see in a lot of people. The Hermit doesn't wish to be negative it simply wants to understand, be understood, and contemplate more important things.
While The Hermit may seem distant or unattached, it is probably just having a deep thought or thinking through solutions to their problems. As a hermit I can say that I am often mistaken for not giving a fuck or being out of my comfort zone when in reality I am just listening to my thoughts and get zoned out, I promise it's not because I don't care about you. When I'm in my own little world inside my mind I tend to drift away from conversation or seem shy but it's only because I'm trying to find insight, inspiration, or I'm searching my thoughts for ideas. After I have done that I feel a great feeling of accomolishment that I was able to form a complete train of thought and then feel satisfaction with myself for deep thinking beyond my own existence. It really is a great feeling, I promise. To me, it feels like being enlightened with inner-knowledge of things that are beyond yourself. When you begin to open your mind and see everything from a different perspective, it really fills you with wonder and curiosity that I cannot quite describe in the right words.
I think I got really insightful and thoughtful in this Blog but my words aren't just empty thoughts. I try to live the way an animal would live, carefree and instinctive with no perception of time. Time is a concept that does not directly have a meaning because it's just time, its just the point where the sun comes up then trades  places with the moon. I cannot accurately reflect on a concept like time so I try to live life on my own time. Make my own time, make my own thoughts, and create myself.. because that is what matters most. Anyways, Goodnight ♡